YONDER PEASANT - THE PANTOMIME
BY
MIKE STOLLERY
-
Cast
YONDER
Nameless Peasant
HITHER
Page boy to King Wenceslas
STEPHEN
Wild Boar
SCENE 1
WINTER FOREST. BARE TREES AND EVERGREEN SHRUBS.
YONDER:
(to the audience) Oh! Woe is I! I, but a poor pitiful peasant. And this is my domain. A bleak forest where I have to forage for meagre sticks and twigs to keep me warm throughout the coming winter. And it is to be a fierce one this year — the soothsayers have foreseen it. Sometimes I am allowed to work on the land, tilling the fields, but at this time of year there is no tilling to be had. I am so poor I don’t even have a name. People refer to me as Yonder Peasant, for such I am. The peasant that is yonder. Over there. Not part of anybody’s lives. Or anything.
ENTER A BOY DRESSED IN THE LIVERY OF A PAGE.
PAGE:
Ahoy, yonder peasant.
YONDER:
See what I mean?
PAGE:
Greetings, oh dweller of the forest. Pray desist a moment from your gathering for I wish to speak with you.
YONDER:
You’re a bit of a posh boy to be wandering about these parts.
PAGE:
I am a page boy to King Wenceslas. He’s a very good king.
YONDER:
He’s a very, very good king. So I have heard.
PAGE:
He is indeed. There is no better king in the entire kingdom of Czechoslotransylhemia.
YONDER:
Checkers low what?
PAGE:
Czechoslotransylhemia.
YONDER:
Never heard of it.
PAGE:
Why, it is the name of our great and glorious kingdom.
YONDER:
Sounds a silly name to me.
PAGE:
And what is your name, yonder peasant?
YONDER:
I am a poor impoverished peasant. I can’t afford such luxuries as a name.
PAGE:
Surely everybody has a name. I am but a lowly servant, yet I have a name. Hither. That’s what the king calls me. Hither Page.
YONDER:
And what brings you hither, Hither, to these wild woods?
PAGE:
The king has sent me here on a quest.
YONDER:
I hope you’re not after my sticks and twigs. I need them for my winter few-woo-well.
PAGE:
Winter few-woo-well? What’s that when it’s at home?
YONDER:
It’s what keeps me warm in the winter.
PAGE:
You mean fuel?
YONDER:
No, I mean few-woo-well.
PAGE:
Why do you say it like that?
YONDER:
It just the way we say things round these parts.
PAGE:
Well, anyway. I don’t wish to take your sticks and twigs. I have brought you something else to keep you warm.
YONDER:
I hope it’s not a sound beating. That’s what kings normally give to peasants like me.
PAGE:
No, no. King Wenceslas is a good king.
YONDER:
A very good king.
PAGE:
A very, very good king. He wishes to give you something special, for today it is the Feast of Stephen!
YONDER:
Who?
PAGE:
Stephen.
YONDER:
Well, whoever he is, he’ll be having a better feast than me. Mushrooms and moss for me tonight, it is.
PAGE:
That is just where you’re wrong. For the king has sent me, a good league hence, to deliver this to you.
HE RETRIEVES FROM OFF-STAGE A LARGE PIZZA BOX.
PAGE:
Today, Yonder Peasant, you shall dine on pizza!
HE HANDS IT TO YONDER.
YONDER:
(Delighted) My, what a glorious day this is! Never before did I think that a peasant such as I would ever get to eat pizza. What’s in it?
PAGE:
This is the king’s favourite type of pizza. Deep pan, crisp and even.
YONDER:
Is it really all mine?
PAGE:
Every last slice. Just one thing . . .
PAGE SIGNALS OFF STAGE. TWO STAGE HANDS ENTER (IN BROWN OVERALLS) CARRYING A SIX FOOT TALL PEPPER MILL. THEY STRUGGLE TO CARRY IT AND MAKE A GREAT SHOW OF ATTEMPTING TO SPRINKLE PEPPER ON THE PIZZA.
YONDER:
(Tucking in) Mmmm, this is delicious.
A BOAR ARRIVES.
PAGE:
Watch out! It’s a boar.
YONDER:
(Yawns) So long as he’s nothing like my Uncle Harold. He’s such a bore.
BOAR:
Don’t call me a bore. I’ll have you know I’m actually quite interesting.
PAGE:
No, I mean you’re a wild boar.
BOAR:
Well, I’m pretty cross. Wouldn’t you be if everyone kept saying you’re boring?
PAGE:
I’m not saying that you’re bor-ing. Only that you are a . . . oh, never mind. Do you have a name? That might avoid any future confusion.
BOAR:
Yes, I do. I’m called Stephen.
YONDER:
Stephen?
PAGE:
Stephen the boar.
BOAR:
I told you. I’m not a bore. I’m interesting.
YONDER:
Funny how it also happens to be the Feast of Stephen today.
BOAR:
Well, there you are. That’s interesting, isn’t it?
PAGE:
Mere co-incidence. And perhaps a little contrived. Tell me one interesting thing that boars do.
BOAR:
Why, we snuffle.
YONDER:
Snuffle?
PAGE:
Snuffle?
BOAR:
Yes. Snuffle. In fact, I’m one of the greatest snufflers in the forest.
STEPHEN SNUFFLES AROUND THE STAGE THEN GOES BEHIND A BUSH AND BECOMES VERY EXCITED.
YONDER:
Have you found something?
BOAR:
Yes! Twigs!
PAGE:
This is a forest. Of course you’ve found twigs.
BOAR:
No. Twigs!
YONDER:
Hey, I need those twigs for my winter few-woo-well.
HE COMES OUT FROM BEHIND THE BUSH AND DISPLAYS TO THE AUDIENCE A GIANT TWIX BAR, EXCEPT THAT IT’S WRITTEN TWIGS.
BOAR:
Look! A Twigs bar!
PAGE:
This truly is turning out to be quite a feast.
BOAR:
But, of course, what I really like most is truffles.
HE SNUFFLES AROUND THE STAGE SNIFFING FOR TRUFFLES.
BOAR:
(from behind a bush) Found one!
YONDER:
A truffle?
BOAR:
Yes.
YONDER:
Well, bring it out. Let’s see it.
STEPHEN, VERY PLEASED WITH HIMSELF, EMERGES WITH A GIGANTIC TRIFLE.
YONDER:
That’s not a truffle. That’s a trifle.
BOAR:
I never was very good at spelling.
YONDER:
You’re also hopeless at smelling.
BOAR:
Cheek! I smell really good.
PAGE:
(sniffs) Not from here, you don’t.
YONDER:
Well, with this pizza, that Twigs bar and that enormous trifle, this has got to be one of the best Feasts of Stephen ever.
PAGE:
Fit for a king.
YONDER:
A very good king.
PAGE:
A very, very good king.
YONDER:
And what will he be eating today.
PAGE:
Oh, it depends what he catches.
BOAR:
Catches?
PAGE:
Yes, he’s out hunting. Tonight he will feast upon whatever beast he finds in the forest.
BOAR:
(Looking slightly worried) And does he have anything in particular in mind?
PAGE:
It must be something that will be suitable for the Feast of Stephen. He is especially fond of suckling pig. Or hog roast. Or anything of that nature, really.
BOAR:
Ah. I see.
PAGE:
So, if you come across any good quarry like that, let me know. The king is a fine marksman and would be delighted to aim his longbow at such a creature.
SOUNDS OF HUNTING IN THE DISTANCE.
YONDER:
What’s that noise?
PAGE:
It’s the king. And his hunting party. They’re coming this way!
BOAR:
Errrrmmmm . . . You know this Feast of Stephen thing?
PAGE:
Yes.
BOAR:
I hope it doesn’t mean literally the Feast of Stephen.
PAGE:
What do you mean?
BOAR:
Well, if the king’s looking for something that resembles a pig, or a hog . . . and I’m a boar . . .
YONDER:
No, no. I’ve decided to agree with you. You actually are rather interesting.
BOAR:
No, not a bore, a B.O.A.R. boar (he grunts) See? And I’m called Stephen, so if the king’s coming with his hunting party and he sees me.
YONDER:
Oh, yes. I see your predicament. You must hide quickly!
PAGE:
Behind the bush!
STEPHEN HURRIES BACK BEHIND THE BUSH.
ENTER KING WENCESLAS.