Brief: Write a script which incorporates five specific attributes of the Roman God Mercury, namely commerce, thievery, travel, a messenger and fast movement.
I used characters that I had already created in Deep Matter for my script.
PIRATES OF THE CRAB NEBULA
A RADIO PLAY BY MIKE STOLLERY
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DRAMATIS PERSONAE
CAPTAIN HAKE
Captain of the starship Indestructible B
NUMBER ONE
Hake’s First Officer
NED SMITHERS
Ship’s pilot
ENSIGN CHARLENE WAGSTAFF
Communications Officer
MERCHANT
Pilot of merchant ship Startrader
F/X: INCOMING CALL TONE
CHARLENE:
Hey Captain, I got one of them message thingies coming through. Wanna hear it?
HAKE:
Not if it's about PPI again.
CHARLENE:
Nah, this one's more like yer "Help! We're being attacked and about to be killed" sort of message.
HAKE:
Great. Sounds right up our alley. Put it through.
NED:
If it turns out to be about an accident that wasn't our fault, I'm going to shoot someone.
F/X: CRACKLES AND BEEPS
MERCHANT:
(D) Mayday Mayday. This is Merchantman Startrader. We are under attack by pirates and require immediate assistance. Mayday Mayday.
F/X: BEEP
HAKE:
Captain Hake receiving. Please state the nature of your emergency.
MERCHANT:
(D) Well, it's pirates. Bleedin' pirates! And they're attacking us. I don't know a better way of putting it.
HAKE:
Sorry. Standard procedure. Spacefleet get a bit uppity if we don’t follow protocol.
MERCHANT:
(D) (OVER SHOTS AND EXPLOSIONS) Just send help here and make it snappy. They're shooting everybody and nicking all our stuff.
NED:
Captain, I've triangulated their position. They're in the Crab Nebula. Can be there in twenty minutes, approx. Traffic forecast looks good.
HAKE:
Excellent. Startrader, Hang on in there. This is the Indestructible B and we're on our way.
MERCHANT:
(D) (MORE SHOTS AND EXPLOSIONS) Did you say the Indestructible B?
HAKE:
The finest in the fleet.
MERCHANT:
Is there anyone else out there?
HAKE:
(ASIDE) Bloomin’ cheek!
NED:
I'll be tempted to put one across his bows if the pirates don't finish him off.
HAKE:
Startrader, we are the most advanced ship in the fleet armed with 50 Terrawatt meson cannons, six long range quark mortars and twenty one high yield fissiles.
MERCHANT:
(D) Well, that is very interesting, but my concern is about what happened to the Indestructible A.
HAKE:
(ASIDE) God, is no one ever going to let us live that down?
CHARLENE:
Yeah, Captain. It wan't your fault it got blown up.
HAKE:
Startrader, let me assure you that I and my crew were completely exonerated of that incident. The verdict was unanimous. We'll be with you in a jiffy.
MERCHANT:
(D) A jiffy? So much for protocol.
HAKE:
Make that a smidge. Over and out.
F/X: COMMS ENDING
HAKE:
Bloody ingrate.
CHARLENE:
Yeah. 'E should have a bit more respect.
HAKE:
Ah, well. Best foot forward, Ned.
NED:
Aye aye, skip.
F/X: SHIP'S ENGINES ACCELERATING
NUMBER ONE:
(VERY ALIEN SOUNDING VOICE) Captain, I have checked the Merchant Fleet's schedule and The Startrader should not be in the Crab Nebula at this time.
HAKE:
It may no longer be so by the time we get there.
NED:
I'm minded to side with the pirates when we do.
NUMBER ONE:
What I mean is that The Startrader should be carrying a consignment of Betelgeusian gopher pelts to Arcturis, and is clearly greatly off course. We should proceed with caution.
HAKE:
It's not like you to be cautious, Number One. Are you experiencing one of those peculiar emotions that only your species feel and nobody else can understand?
NUMBER ONE:
My left bladder is detecting unusual perturbations in the space-time continuum. It forebodes a deception.
NED:
Ha! You literally feel it in your water!
NUMBER ONE:
You are assuming incorrectly that I drink water.
HAKE:
Okay, let's not dwell on that. We'll turn up, blast the bejasus out of the pirates, patch up the Startrader and log a job well done.
F/X: ENGINES SLOWING
NED:
Ship ahead, Captain.
HAKE:
Thank you, Ned. Analysis, Number One?
NUMBER ONE:
It is an unregistered freighter. Engines disabled. Indeterminate number of lifeforms on board.
HAKE:
Comms, Ensign?
CHARLENE:
They say our call is very important to them but they are experiencing an unusually high volume at the moment but if we hold an operative will be with us as soon as possible.
NUMBER ONE:
There are no other ships in the vicinity, Captain, and my right bladder is now giving me an ominous twinge.
F/X: BEEP. CRACKLE.
MERCHANT:
(D) Captain Hake. The pirates are unloading our cargo from the hold. You will need to board our ship.
HAKE:
Startrader, what is the location of the pirate ship?
MERCHANT:
(D) It is hiding... behind a cloak of inv... (CRACKLES) ... comms breaking up... sorry. (DISTORTION)
F/X: WHITE NOISE.
CHARLENE:
'E's gone, Captain.
HAKE:
Prepare to board their ship. Ned, extend the HSBC.
F/X: MECHANICAL MOVEMENT THROUGHOUT...
CHARLENE:
(ASIDE) Remind me, Ned. What's an HSBC?
NED:
Horizontally Stretchable Boarding Corridor, Charlene.
CHARLENE:
Oh yeah, I remember. Them things what we walk through to get on and off the ship.
F/X: MECHANICAL CLUNK
NED:
HSBC connected.
HAKE:
Okay everybody, blazers armed and set to max. There could be trouble.
NUMBER ONE:
My upper spleen confirms your assertion, sir.
HAKE:
Let’s go.
F/X: FOOTSTEPS WALKING ALONG METAL GANTRY
NED:
(ECHO) This is one massive cargo bay.
CHARLENE:
(ECHO) Bit sparse. Looks like we’re too late. They’ve swiped everything.
HAKE:
(ECHO) We need to find that Merchant chappy.
NUMBER ONE:
May I recommend the bridge, sir?
CHARLENE:
(ECHO) ’Ere, ’ow come your voice dun’t echo in ’ere?
NUMBER ONE:
My vocalisation is not bound by the same constraints as yours.
HAKE:
(ECHO) Number One’s right. To the bridge.
F/X: ECHOED FOOTSTEPS LEAVING (PLUS ONE NOT ECHOING)
F/X: DOOR OPENING
HAKE:
No one on the bridge either.
MERCHANT:
(D) Ah, Captain Hake. I see you’ve made it on board.
NED:
Where’s that coming from?
CHARLENE:
The communications system. He must have left it switched on.
HAKE:
Startrader, state your location.
MERCHANT:
(D) I am no longer Startrader. My designation is now Indestructible B.
NED:
He’s on our ship!
MERCHANT:
(D) It was very careless of you to leave your HSBC unguarded. I shall withdraw it for you to prevent further intrusion.
F/X: MECHANICAL MOVEMENT
HAKE:
Come back to your ship at once!
MERCHANT:
(D) I think not. Remind me, Captain. What was the full complement of your armoury? I recall being impressed.
CHARLENE:
Where’s all them pirates, then?
NUMBER ONE:
I do not believe, Ensign, that there ever were any pirates.
MERCHANT:
(D) Oh, that’s just where you’re wrong. Yo ho ho!
TO BE CONTINUED
